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Shannen's Heap o'Random Babblings

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Doing my best ostrich imitation....
chris fall by rainbowkisses31
The other day, my surgeon's office called. They wanted to know if I'd gotten with my cardiologist and had a repeat echo of my heart done.

Which I was supposed to have done 6 months after my surgery.

Which I was supposed to have done last month, back in April.

Which I haven't done.

I keep telling myself, "Oh, I haven't made the appointment because I've been busy with all these dentist appointments." And "I haven't made the appointment because I still owe my cardiologist's office some money" (but it's only like $30, so I can't really use that excuse.)

But the real reason is, I'm kinda scared. I don't know if I want to hear what they have to say. I mean, if it's good, I want to hear it, but I don't know that it will be good. I still have some symptoms, same kind I had before. Not as bad, maybe--but maybe they are, and I just don't think they are because I'm more in tune with them or something.

But--I don't want to hear I have to have another surgery. I don't know that I can really do that again. There was too many "not supposed to"s before--not supposed to have lived that long with this condition, not supposed to have made it as long as I did considering that I wasn't in all that great of shape, it's not supposed to be as severe as it was when they got me cracked open, etc, etc. Not to be all Lana-esque, but man...I can't help but think if I have to have it done again, this time fate *is* gonna finally find me, and that's going to be it. I don't know if I can put my fate in the hands of faith more than once. I don't know if God is gonna cut me slack a second time...

So...I avoided the call. And avoided the test, but I don't know how much longer I can do that. I have a regular doctor's appointment on the 3rd of next month, and I know he's going to expect me to have it done by then, since he expected me to have it done in April.

I dunno...I know sticking my head in the sand isn't the way to go, but I can't decide if it's worse to know or worse not to know.

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(Deleted comment)
Logically, I know I need to go. It's just--I can't face having that surgery again. Or finding out that it's something worse.

I know I need to go, and I will...I just need to prepare myself first, I guess. I'm not there yet, although I know I can't wait forever.

Oh Shan...you really need to go hon...it makes ME scared that you haven't gone. :o(

I know, I know...it's just I really don't have good luck with these things. The part of me that still thinks about me holding it together in the doctors office the last time I was hearing that news really doesn't want to have to do that again.

But I did just send a payment for my bill, so I can't use that excuse anymore...

Ive done the hiding and putting off thing. Trust me, its not worth it in the end. If there is something wrong, you risk it getting worse, when its something taht could possibly been fixed much easier earlier on. And if there is nothing wrong, you have just managed to prolong the stress, when, had you just gotten it over with in the first place, you wouldnt still be worrying about it. Ive ended up in the hospital a few times because ive chosen to ignore something that i thought, or was told, i needed to get checked out. the lymes disease, the pitaryasis rosea, the many cases of bronchitis..the list goes on.

Yeah, I know I need to go. It's just--if it was something simple that could be fixed simply, I know I wouldn't be putting it off. But I just don't think I can go through another open heart surgery--I didn't think that at 31, I'd have to make out a will and put my affairs in order because I was looking at possibly dying and such.

I know it's because last time I went in there thinking, "Oh, nothing can be seriously wrong--I've not been sick a day in my life" and then 5 minutes later it's like, "See this machine? That's what we're going to put you on while we stop your heart and cut you open."

Which, I didn't really like hearing. So I know that's why I've been avoiding the tests, because I didn't want to chance hearing it again.

Which, I know I shouldn't do, but...it's hard when you're scared.

Oh, im not saying it doesnt make sense, because it totally does. And the shock you get when you think you are fine, and find out something is really wrong is enought to make you skittish the next time.

My best friends dad just had a quadruple bypass like, 2 months ago. He went in for a routine stress test b/c it was required for his insurance policy, and found out all four were majorly blocked. the main one was 98% and the other three were like 75%. That was a shock to all of us, and a hard time. But had he not gone in, and put it off, he would have been dead within like the next three months. So, I mean, even thought its a horrible thing to go through, is SO much better than the alternative

Your reluctance is totally natural and understandable. However, like everyone says, if there is something wrong it's best to find out sooner than later so that it can be managed. I'm sure everything will be OK, though.

I know--I just worry that my luck has finally run out, and this time it's going to be something that they can't fix.

I dunno--I trust my cardiologist and my surgeon, but at the same time, I really can't help but think they haven't told me the whole story, and something is more wrong than they let on.

Yes, same as what everyone else has already said, if you should go, GO! I'm the last person you will see go to the doctor's for anything, I never take medicine for ANYTHING. But when it comes to serious stuff, you def have to go. Like Sarah said, its better to go ahead and go, and *if* something was wrong be able to catch it early and have a chance to make it better, then to let it go and get worse.

My concern is that it's going to be something they *can't* fix--it took so long for this to be diagnosed (I mean, 31 years is a long time to live with a hole in your heart) and the hole was so big (the surgeon said it was the size of a silver dollar--he only expected it to be the size of a quarter) that I worry that it's developed into something like eisenmeyer syndrome. The surgeon mentioned it as a possibility, and when you have that...you're dead. The syndrome will kill you, and the treatment will kill you. And I don't wanna face that just yet, but some of the symptoms I have make me think I might...

You know that you have to go. It sucks but it's a big necessity and the longer you put it off...yadda yadda.

We'll be here for you good or bad, although I'm puuling for really good news.

Me too--I don't wanna hear bad news, which is why I'm going all head-in-the-sand.

But, as soon as they process my payment, I'll try to make an appointment. I wanted to wait until after Montreal because I don't want my vacation to be ruined, but I don't know if I will get in trouble for waiting that long.

Missy? Get thee to thy cardiologist, stat.

I do understand the fear, but fuck it. If something is wrong, you'll know, and be able to work on things you need and want to do. And if nothing is wrong you'll know that too, and have wonderful relief.

I'm one of those people who wants to know, I must admit. My mother and her sister are both *dreadful* about having tests, just in case it turns out they have cancer or something.

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